I have been looking for employment for some time (I’m now focusing especially on the Detroit area—hire me, folks!), and one job that I applied for was at The Motley Fool. We have several employees of the Fool here at Icrontic, who have done nothing but rave about what a fantastic place it is to work. Hence, back in September, I decided to apply for a position as an “office dynamo” with the Motley Fool, which was a glorified office assistant job.
The Motley Fool’s application asked that applicants make them laugh, cry, or “just don’t bore them.” I decided to take this to heart, and I penned the following, which I here submit for your amusement:
To whom it may concern:
When in the course of working events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the employment bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the working world, the…still subordinate but different station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of a potential employer requires that she should declare the causes with impel them to the application.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men (or women) are created equal, that they are endowed by their experience and education with certain traits and abilities, that among these are excellent public speaking skills, organizational abilities, good people skills, encouraging happiness (with cake or laughter) and attention to detail — That to prove these traits, resumés are created by Men (and Women), deriving their just descriptions from the comprehensive previous work experience of the applicant. — Prudence indeed, will dictate that this experience, long established, should be examined for the position of “office dynamo”, and accordingly all experience hath shewn that Jacqueline DiOrio is disposed to be qualified for such a career of employment. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid company, well known for being an excellent employer, entirely unlike the King of Great Britain in his history of repeated injuries and usurpations, and also well publicized in their patient and comprehensive financial care about stocks, investing, and personal finance of the Colonies. Such as been the submittal of the applicant, and such is now the necessity which with the employer will hopefully review her request.
She, therefore, the representative of…herself, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Motley Fool for the rectitude of her intentions do solemnly publish and declare, That this woman is, and ought to be the “office dynamo”, or some other such position as does present itself.— And for the support of this Declaration, mutually pledges herself to the company her life, fortune, and sacred honor, and really hopes that they email her back next week.
Respectfully,
Jacqueline DiOrio
Note—The above here signed does not really compare her application for employment to the magnanimity of the United States Declaration of Independence…except that she kind of just did, but she means no disrespect!
Unfortunately, despite my quite incredible cover letter, I was not contacted by The Motley Fool. This did not surprise me, as I doubted that they needed to bring someone in from Illinois for an office assistant position. Still, this remains the best cover letter that I have ever written, and most likely, will ever write. So while I would love a job (I’m looking at you, Michigan companies), getting to have a little bit of fun during the process was in some ways its own reward.
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